Write from the heart
By Marivir R. Montebon
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:6-7
Three years ago, I lost my only child to colon cancer. This evil disease devastated me and my child, but we fought it together till the end. The harrowing days of pain and frightening loss of weight and appetite was worse than any horror movie I saw.
My prayers were demanding – God save my daughter. Let her live.
Leani Alnica Montebon Auxilio died in my arms on Nov. 17, 2019, at 5pm... a Sunday, a beautiful autumn day.
My big baby Leani Alnica or Nikki, at 16 in this photo, loved to goof around and was a tender, loving daughter.
She was young, full of hope of a better future. But I lost her. It was the saddest day of my life. My grief is still here, I miss her on ordinary and extraordinary days. When washing dishes or folding laundry, I unguardedly feel a stabbing pain in my heart, like a piercing dagger.
The one truth I realized during those dark days - great love comes with great sadness. The deeper the love, the deeper the pain and joy. But love indeed protects, trusts, hopes, and always perseveres, despite the devastation of cancer, despite physical death.
On Nikki’s final moment, I wanted to be the voice in her head. I whispered to her, drawing her frail body closest to my chest...telling her repeatedly to go back to God where she belongs. And to watch over me ... to be my angel.
I kept saying it while crying. Until her line flattened. Although my heart surrendered her to God ... I think that life was unfair that she died so young. She could have done more while alive. But I blessed my child and thanked God for her 27 beautiful years with me – the best relationship I ever had was becoming a mother and a friend to my child.
I wailed inside the hospital, I wailed in anguish because Nikki, the person I love the most is gone. The rest is me coping with pain and swimming along my own grief - keeping busy, keeping good friends, and weeding off fake ones.
But my friends, why have I survived this grief when it is still here? If I open my heart, you could see the biggest wound...and that is the loss of my daughter. What gives us the strength and resolve to move on with life?
I am humbled to share with you my own experience. It is because of three things: a loving community of family and friends, a clear understanding that you did your best, and finally, a direct relationship with God, a life of prayer.
Having experienced this unfathomable grief, thus is born my doctoral study on journaling as a way for healing. Writing makes for clear thinking. Our journals mirror us to ourselves, as writer Helen Cepero said. And so, I ask every one of you, leaders in your own merit and choosing, to make journaling an expression of self-love.
Write from the heart. Write to God or to yourself as way of release and reflection. And if you care enough, you can also share it in our writing community. I believe this will enrich you, the sharer, and us the listeners.
Writing my journal was how I survived, aside from my constant prayers. It's become a tool for survival and great remembering, including my dreams that I have of my daughter. I grin when I wake up realizing that Nikki visited me, and I write about the dream.
Journaling helps me interpret her love for me from afar. So, I encourage you all to start writing...write from the heart. Proverbs 4:23 inspires us. It says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Remember that writing is an act of love, an act of honesty down your core, and a direct communication with God too. Make it the most authentic moment between God and you. Make it your moment of truth.
Writing is an elemental tool of transformation, and in our case, our transformative leadership. Before we facilitate and lead the transformation of others, we begin with ourselves. In this manner, we are being true. As leaders, we love and stand on the truth as we live our lives as visionary servant leaders.
BTW, the truth is – Nikki is in my heart. She is my strength. Our love perseveres, defying time and cosmic distance, because God has always been gracious and wise that it is so. #
(This essay was written for my Transformational Leadership in Post-modern Society doctoral class in 2022 at the Unification Theological Seminary, now known as HJ International Graduate School for Peace and Public Leadership, in NYC.)
