For grieving mothers, it’s not really a Happy Mother’s Day
By Marivir Montebon
New York - Nothing is more painful than burying your own child. I am scribbling my tears away. On Mother’s Day, my heart bleeds again and reawakens the pain of losing my daughter in my arms. Nov. 17, 2019…it’s almost five years, nak, we fought hard the evil cancer until the end. And my pain lingers on this side of life.
Nikki and I goofed a lot.
I miss Nikki every day and on occasions like these, because of her thoughtfulness and love. My born day into motherhood was July 27, 1992. It was a glorious time to see a human being coming out of my body and scary too as I thought of the enormous responsibility motherhood brings.
Growing up, Nikki became sensitive and thoughtful to ask me what I want to do on Mother’s Day but would readily have something for me. Several books. A laptop. An IPad, some bottles of perfume. Funny huge cards. Dine-outs.
I am one lucky mother. I remember with great pain when Nikki told me while crying so hard, “Mommy, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave you.” God, I couldn’t believe what I heard. I was awfully sad and scared and angry. I pitied my child. If I could only have your pain, I would.
That instance, I felt helpless, how can I protect her from this disease that’s eating her up. I was crying inside and hugged her. I cupped her face and said…you will be well. Let’s have faith. We will go through this together.
And like a baby, Nikki may have felt reassured at that moment. But inside me, I was helpless. Every day was a day of prayer and gratitude and courage while fighting the physical and spiritual fight against cancer.
Life is brutal in its worst way when a child is taken away from her mother so much ahead of her parent’s time. As I look at what has become of me on my 5th year of grieving - I think I became more organized and intentional in my pursuits and have zero tolerance at any hint of pretense or BS. All my relationships thus far have been built on trust and love, nothing less.
To mothers who lost their children to merciless diseases, accidents, or wars, my heart is with you. There is no such thing as a Happy Mother’s Day since our babies flew to heaven, and we will always remember with the same dread as it occured. We only learn to live with our grief because grief is deep love. And it is only with deep love that we smile and remember how much we mothers have truly loved.
